You ugly! Now what?

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After allowing me to believe that we were dating when we were not, this guy told me that I was ugly. He had met someone else and at her request treated me as if my fruit wudn’t fit for making pie. I was dissed & humiliated. What happens next?


  1. Cry. A lot. And when you can cry no more, go get some ice cream. There will be a moment during all of your crying where you will need to have something to show for all of the pain. As our elders used to say; “Shet up all that damn noise ‘fore I give you somethin’ to cry for.” Go get a tattoo. It’s a release and you will have something pretty to show for all of those tears.
  2. Make those final arrangements because this, my love, is the end.
  3. Search for ways to make the pain stop. (Nothing works.)
  4. Wearing the same thing everyday you leave the house only works until you can no longer stand the stench of your own stink. It’s ok to take a shower every now and again. Especially if you’re just going to get back in the bed. You can try again tomorrow.
  5. Try again tomorrow.
  6. If someone wants to hold you, let them.
  7. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Wait until you feel safe. Some people are jaded and believe in tough love. No. Just no. Smile. Nod. Leave.
  8. Be kind to yourself. Always.
  9. Strength is deciding to try again tomorrow. It’s also courage.images
  10. You are not your circumstances. You are not others opinion of you, which, by the way, is none of your business.
  11. Beauty, my love, is in the eye of the beholder. What is ugly to him is beautiful to the one you belong with. The lion does not concern himself with the opinion of the sheep.
  12. There is solace in knowing that the universe takes care of its own. If you’re lucky you get to witness the dirty work. Keep your eyes open. It is a brilliant sight.
  13. People will attempt to project their insecurities on you. Never let them see you sweat. As soon as you get home, go take a shower, wash off all of that sweat. Get some rest. You did splendid dahlin’, just splendid.
  14. Orange Juice and Gin is delightful for breakfast. Knob Creek goes well with lunch and American Honey makes tea taste wonderful. And you can drink that any time of the day. Sip responsibly and out of the most fabulous “to go” cup you can find.
  15. Never leave the house without something covering your head, eyes and lips.
  16. Cry some more. You weren’t done.
  17. If someone offers you a gig and it overlaps with your final arrangements. Take it. You need something to do until then.
  18. Stay in bed all day. You will eventually get tired of being wrapped in your own filth. Don’t worry, the cat left the room hours ago. Asshole!
  19. Fake it until you can’t anymore. Then lie. No one really cares what’s wrong. Just do what they ask and run home as fast as you can. Cry in that safe space behind closed doors.
  20. It’s okay to cry, just don’t do it in front of the kids. You will become the “crazy crying ladee”.
  21. If the kids ask why you have had the same thing on from three days ago tell them it’s a game that you are playing or to go to hell. Either one.
  22. You will feel worthless, ugly and like a failure. Wanting to hide because you are not fit to be anyone’s lover, friend, partner or pie maker. Let it run its course. None of that is true.
  23. When “Him” reveals himself, welcome him. It’s ok to be vulnerable. He loves you and the universe sent him, there is healing.
  24. This place is familiar. This time it is darker. Confront that darkness. In the dark, there is light. It is just a tiny flicker. Search for it. It is there.
  25. Resist the urge to do things like bust windows, flatten tires or steal license plates. The neighborhood kids don’t like his ass so they fuck with him all of the time. It’s the universe at its dirty business.
  26. Understand that everything happens for a reason. In the darkness you will understand that reason, the A-ha moment is beautiful.
  27. After the A-ha moment you will want to take a shower. You stink.
  28. After the shower, fresh clothes. You will be ready to go out into the world, even if it’s for a few minutes. Baby steps are still steps.
  29. Do a self-evaluation. Take inventory of all of your accomplishments. Be proud.
  30. You dodged a bullet honey! You thought life was over. It is not. It is a beginning.
  31. Don’t forget what you have learned. Never give yourself so freely to someone so undeserving.
  32. That’s not excessive oil on your face you are starting to glow.
  33. Keep trying. You will notice how effortless your successes are becoming. Keep at it. Flourish, you lovely creature.images
  34. Time heals all wounds. Really, it does. Give it time; continue to be kind to yourself. There is no specific timeframe for healing. The more intense the darkness is, the faster its over. Go through it and like a Phoenix you will rise. Divine and magnificent.
  35. You are stronger and wiser. You have a new tattoo. You are a gift and ready for the next adventure.
  36. Rebuilding includes a new wardrobe, fresh makeup, and fabo shoes. You have grown into your most radiant self.
  37. You glow. If you don’t believe me look around at all of those people smiling at you. They see you boo. I do too.
  38. Pulchritidnous. That’s you. And if you haven’t heard it today, you are stunning! I am so proud you!

This is not a definitive list. Just a version of how it all unfolded. I gave in, threw my hands up and sat down, well, laid in the fetal position. I let the universe embrace me. When you pray to your God; and you will pray, curse, scream and cry to him/her; keep at it. Trust that s/he is listening and the universe is working on your behalf. Faith is believing in the unseen. Faith, darling, defies logic. Reconnecting to the infinite source is a magical experience. The day I gave in I made my final arrangements. It was also the day I was reintroduced to my purpose. Living life is engaging in a series of opportunities to cultivate your purpose. Refine it. Use it. Own it. You are a gift to this place. There are days where I’m like “Man, listen… I’m taking courage today and trying again tomorrow.” Then other days babies smile at me and strangers strike up laughter laced conversations. How do you put yourself back together when you are piles of broken pieces? I think I figured it out. Silver linings run all through the clouds. Pick them like flowers. The bricks thrown at me were the very ones I used to build a solid foundation. Now, I radiate a strength and wisdom that keeps me in awe. I have been allowed an opportunity to share my gifts with the world, learning that peace is in my pieces. Even at my functioning drunk, stinkiest self I have never been ugly. Just a beautiful mess.

Tell me how you found your purpose or if you are trying to find it. Share your lights and gifts.

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